Wonder Woman vs. Mom

Wonder Woman by Jeffach

     Sometimes I wish I was Wonder Woman. Just look at her face. She's focused, confident, strong and yet feminine. I love the way this artist has portrayed her in this photo. She's not angry. She doesn't appear tormented, frustrated or vengeful. She's just there to help others in need.

     The other thing I love about her is that what she does is considered honorable. Her 'job' if you will, affords her dignity and respect. Those she helps are grateful and appreciate what she's done.

     It's not quite the same with motherhood. It's not a glamorous life. Mom's often wake up, walk to the bathroom mirror and see a face full of fear, frustration, insecurity and anxiety. She might then try to wash the baby vomit off her pajamas, cut the gum out of her hair and wipe the crust from her eyes while desperately pleading with God to help her pull it together so she can face all the challenges of the impending day.

     Once in a blue moon I would have a day where I felt like Wonder Woman. I accomplished everything I needed to accomplish that day and then some; laundry, work, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning. The kids were actually almost nice to each other and I successfully veered any signs of impending disaster off into a safe zone. Three out of five kids ate a healthy gluten, soy, dairy, GMO free breakfast that was prepared with love. No one spilled it all over the floor and the gummy bears were chosen for dessert NOT dinner. Homework was done before T.V., texting, tweeting, snapping or pinning. Everyone was in bed with lights out at the designated curfew hour and for the cherry on top your son who recently acquired his own vehicle and doesn't spend much time at home any more, sends you a text that reads, "I love you mama!" How sweet it is. I would take a deep sigh of relief feeling great satisfaction in my perceived success. I was however thoroughly exhausted and couldn't wait to flop my face into my pillow, but it felt amazing. Then morning comes and you quickly realize that today is not going to be anywhere close to a Wonder Woman day.

  Overnight everything is turned on end.  Two of the children are fighting with each other, while the others are sulking and moody. One refuses to eat all day, one complains that there's no food in the house, although yesterdays' $200 grocery bill would argue otherwise. Three say they hate school because it's pointless, the teachers are stupid and they aren't learning anything they'll ever need as adults. Then you realize what a mess you are. All your short term memories have been erased from your brain. You forgot that you volunteered to be a parent chaperon for one of the kids' field trips, that you promised your daughter that you'd buy her the ingredients for her cookies she's making for her school economics project tomorrow,  that your husband needs the dry cleaning picked up because he's out of work shirts. But the cleaners closes in 15 min. and you've burned the chicken diner because you accidentally set the oven temperature too high and the salad is brown and moldy because you bought a bag that was expired. Ahhh, well it was nice to feel like a superhero for at least one day. At lease there were no trips to the ER. The car didn't break down and I didn't bounce a check this week. So it was kind of a good day right...?

     What I think is sad is, how often does society offer great accolades to mothers? When does she get to be honored and respected by a theater full of her peers? There are no metals of valor, awards and televised ceremonies where all the hard working dedicated moms of our society get to be draped in Dior, Versace, or Winston as they walk a velvet red carpet waving to crowds of adoring fans taking their picture while screaming their names just hoping they'll wave to them. Not only does the average stay at home mother not get props for her role in the family but social media touts many celebrity moms as "having it all"; successful career, entrepreneur, activist, humanitarian, and modern day Martha Stewart. For crying out loud! We're just trying to get through the day getting kids to and from school, on time to soccer practice and the ballet recital. Prodding them to take showers, brush their teeth, wear clean clothes, eat moderately healthy foods while cleaning a toilet, cooking dinner, assisting with homework, balancing check books and not losing your cool because the kids keep sneezing all over the family computer keyboard, leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor and  because you keep stepping in some kind of unidentified sticky substance that no one wants to clean up off the kitchen floor. 

   We haven't even addressed the really hard stuff a parent must deal with. School yard bullies, peer pressure to have sex or take drugs, pornography, sexting and how to protect your six year old from sexual abuse. These moments in life have a way of bringing you to your knees. You no longer feel like Wonder Woman, but rather identify more with Mr. Magoo! You feel completely ill equipped to deal with these issues and are terrified that you'll screw it all up.

Mr. Magoo by Paul Carlson

       What I've come to realize is that much of society today and perhaps remnants of the 1950"s  "Ozzie and Harriet"  persona has influenced mothers (or maybe just me) to believe that their worth is dependent on how much they accomplish. That their value is in how clean the house is, how healthy and well prepared dinner is, how much do they contribute or save financially and so on. It's a horrible way to measure ones self. You set yourself up for failure and self-disappointment. You will inevitably fail to give your family the best of who you truly are. You'll push yourself to live up to impossible expectations that have far less value than you realize and you will also quite likely, drop all the balls you juggle and plates you spin and find yourself crashing and burning in a spectacular display of humiliation.

      In fact the harder you push yourself to be Wonder Woman the more you become Mr. Magoo, making a mess of things and accomplishing absolutely nothing. If relationships are messy then families are the biggest slobs. The relationships in a family are complex, complicated and confusing. The sooner we can accept this fact and come to peace with it perhaps that's when our minds and bodies will begin to heal from the massive amounts of stress we put ourselves under. We can't be the perfect mom who has all the right answers and speaks with only gentle lilting tones all the time. We won't have the house looking neat, tidy and clean every day. We won't always have a sugar, gluten, soy, wheat free snack in the house to nourish and satisfy our children every day. Dinner will not always be filled with color and mouth exploding flavor and loaded with organic, sprouted, locally grown fruits and veggies that the children will love. Accepting this is not going to be easy.

    Those are some of the measuring lines I've used in the past to evaluate myself as a wife and mother. Now I ask myself, "What makes me truly valuable?". My vision of that is blurry, but slowly beginning to come into focus. In theory I know what it is but in practical terms that I can direct my focus on every day, I sometimes still struggle to grasp. Why does it seems that husbands don't have these same issues? Why don't they sweat the small stuff? But it's not about the small stuff. The small stuff is only representative of much bigger issues that terrify me? The stakes are high if you screw it up! These are lives were talking about, human people who will eventually have to take care of themselves and who want to find a mate and will likely procreate! I changed my mind! I don't wanna be a mom! I take it back!

    Hmmm... Perhaps another obstacle in our way is control and modesty. Are we trying to control too much, assuming too much ownership of things and people that we do not have authority over? What really is my responsibility to my family?

     I will say this. Having children has made me a better person. I just desperately want to do right for my kids. I love every one of those monkeys. I guess that's really the reason that motherhood scares me so much. I want them to be healthy, well adjusted, successful and happy adults. I want what every mother wants. We want our children to not have to suffer the same pains we did. To be better equipped to manage life's challenges than we were. But is that really even possible? That reality is not entirely up to us. I think our job is just to give them tools and teach them how to use them. It's up to them to decide if they will take our advice and use it or not. After that we must learn to let go. Let them find their way and leave a safe place for them to come home to and feel loved. Love... that's where a mother's real value lies. How well does she love? Not,"How well does she cook or clean?".

At the end of the day I realize that there is no Wonder Woman. There are no super celebrity moms who do it all. No one can. So I am going to try to keep working on changing my expectations of myself as a wife and mother. I will keep striving for balance and searching for wisdom from above and stop trying to be Wonder Woman and just be me.

Just me