His book was stripping away all the intimidating and false beliefs I had about creativity and inspiring me to look beyond my fears and just start grabbing every piece of random creative candy I could get my grubby little hands on. It was like he was Bill the candy man in the 1971 (Incidentally, the year I was born.) family film "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". The jolly man with the blue and red striped shirt and bow tie sings; "Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew, cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two? The candy man! The candy man can." as he climbs up a ladder attached to the wall and glides along it's width grabbing hand fulls of candy from the shelves and tosses them like rain drops to the the children below who jump and squeal with delight as they try to catch their fill.
That's how I felt reading his book. Questlove was the candy man tossing me brightly colored sweet treats of beautiful creativity. I was desperate to re-engage that part of my mind and soul that had been starving for attention in hopes of sparking some form of creativity. So I was gobbling up every nugget of gooey filled creative candy he was raining down on me. If you wanna go back in time a little bit just watch this delightful clip and you'll see what I'm talking about.
Then the floor fell out from under me over the summer and I went falling into a rabbit hole of crisis the way Alice fell into Wonderland while waving good-bye to her cat Dina, "Good-bye Dina. Good-byyyyeee..."
Anyway, that's a lot of blah blah blah that is really more for my benefit than your entertainment. Actually, this whole thing is for my benefit. You being entertained would be a bonus. So that's why I'm not too worried about whether you're enjoying it or are already bored reading it. Actually that's not entirely true. I do care what you think but not in the way you might imagine. Your opinion is the reason I share it. Not for your approval but because I'm terrified of your judgment. I believe in order to overcome one of my particular fears as it relates to writing and be able to feel the joy of having done something creative, the thing I'm desperate to do, I must display it publicly for all to see. I have to open myself up to criticism. Display all my typos, poor grammar, misspellings, and bad storytelling in all it's shameful glory for the world to see. Or even the possibility of no one reading it and it being ignored by millions because it's not even interesting enough for someone to take the time to read it. So this is why I write and share it. Either someone reads and says, "That's cool." or "That's the weirdest and possibly most, nonsensical, boring thing I've ever read." or ... Nothing, because no one cared to read it at all. I'm delighted at any and all such prospects.
I am aching for ways to feel more like a whole person and be something less like a human doing and more like a human being. I am horrible at stopping in the middle of my day and taking time to think and see creatively. I have endless to-do lists that exhaust me and twist me up in knots inside to the point of anxiety and panic. Which leads me to mental exhaustion and the state of being paralyzed. The thought of trying to access the part of my brain that is now buried under a mountain of "have to's" is so discouraging to me. It's just easier to flop down on the bed or chair or floor or whatever is nearest to me and a smart device or television. I'm looking for the thing that will disconnect me from the responsibilities of my life and take me away to a make-believe world of adventure, mystery, drama (that isn't my own) or laughter. But if I'm being honest with myself, more often than not, I'm not really recharging my emotional or mental batteries. I'm just avoiding life and the act of truly living. Which in the end really doesn't make me more productive in the work and responsibilities I will have to return to. So what do I do?
I tell you what "It's Not About The Cream Cheese" is really about. It's about this one day when my son was about 3 years of age. He's now almost 23. It was a summer day in Encinitas, CA. We'd been out most of the morning engaged in a volunteer work and Bubba (that's not his actual name, it's my nickname for him) was hungry and I was tired. So we hit up the local bagel shop. He loved bagels and cream cheese. Correction, he like cream cheese on a bagel. He didn't actually want the bagel. Every time I ordered it for him he would lick off the cream cheese and only eat a bite or two at most, of the actual bagel. I got so irritated with him because I didn't really see 4 tablespoons of schmeer as any kind of healthy snack for a 3 year old. I remember saying to him, "Bubba, it's not about the cream cheese. You have to eat the whole thing." Then it hit me. '"It's not about the cream cheese..." You know that would be a great title for a book some day. I want to use that." It felt like it was a perfect metaphor for particular aspects of life.
Let me try to explain. The cream cheese is just the topping. It's not really meant to be taken as a whole meal. In life there are many things that MIGHT be considered "cream cheese" such as, anything that falls into the category of recreation. A steady diet of cream cheese alone, literally or figuratively, will only lead to disaster. I digress.
What I really want to say is this. I have never forgotten that title nor my desire to write a humorous book about the mess life makes and why we can and should laugh at it all. I don't know if I'll ever get to that book. I sincerely hope I do. Maybe some day someone will say, "Hey Sunny, I'd like to pay you enough money to hire someone to take care of your 'to-do' list so you can sit down and write that New York Best Seller that you've been dreaming about writing for the last 20 years." (Just putting that out there.) But I know that I have to start somewhere by actually creating something. Like this "blog". (I have a great distaste for the word "blog". I don't know that I can clearly articulate why. Not that it matters aaaaand I've digressed yet again.)
In conclusion, I just needed to write. I needed to go back to when I was just a little girl and I'd get in trouble, be sent to my room and not allowed to watch T.V. We didn't have smart phones back then so that was a non issue. But I remember being alone in my room not really interested in anything other than T.V. and starting to feel a sense of madness settle in. Thinking "Oh my God, what am I going to do?! I'm sooooo bored!" Eventually I forced myself to dig around in my toy box looking for something to play with, something to fill the void and quiet the terrifying screams of boredom. Before long that part of my brain that had become lethargic and near atrophy would wake up from it's hibernation and my imagination would come to play with me. Soon hours would pass and I'd find myself having so much more fun in my room with boring toys than I did watching T.V. Looking back now not only did I have more fun but I was filling a deep need that I was completely unaware I had and would continue to need to fill for the rest of my life but wouldn't.
I lied that's not my conclusion.
Today I don't ever get bored. I'm too busy to get bored but Questlove said something in his book that reminded me of those quiet times in my room. He said something interesting in relation to the distractions of the Internet but I think it's principle idea can actually be applied to almost anything, He said, "You are into everything but you are into nothing." He goes on to explain how when he finds himself "nervously bouncing " around the Internet, he says, "I shut the computer, or at least shut my eyes for a second so that I can't feel the computer. I let the distraction become boredom. And when the distraction shifts into boredom, that's the seed of something creative."
Think of this blog like one of those songs filled with cryptic lyrics that don't seem to connect to one another or make any sense. But it's left up to each listener to decide what it means to them. Maybe he or she is struck by one verse or phrase that means something to them. It might not mean the same thing to the writer but it doesn't matter. They both felt something. Most importantly, I feel a little more whole, a little more me, a little more Sunny. And I like that Sunny.
