Happiness for the unhappy

    

   I’ve been thinking a lot about being happy lately.  "Life Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness", is a well-known phrase in the United States Declaration of Independence. The phrase gives three examples of the "unalienable rights" which the Declaration says has been given to all human beings by their Creator, and for which governments are created to protect.” God’s own son, Jesus,  spoke of being happy at Matthew 5: 3-12. He listed nine things that would make people happy and then he said “Rejoice and be overjoyed,”. 

 Life in this current system of things, controlled by the devil often makes being happy difficult. I think that’s why you often find so many trying to encourage others to be happy and find happiness. You could peruse social media sites and find people posting dozens of ‘inspirational’ ‘happiness’ quotes every day. Of course what we pursue with the goal of happiness depends on our value system. As many will attest to, what we think will make us happy is not always what truly does make for happiness.

    What keeps spinning around in my mind is the idea of happiness being, as the Declaration of Independence speaks of as, an “unalienable right”.  I can’t help but wonder if it’s more than a right? And if happiness is not really dependent on circumstances or anything external, but rather the conscience choice of the individual to “be happy” then how can any government truly protect that right that is in the sole control of the individual themselves?

     I know that there are things that can rob us of a measure of joy or happiness. Things like death and sickness. However, I know that Jesus words there in Matthew indicate that even those things should not be able to take away true inner peace and happiness.

    What if being happy is not a privilege to be earned or even a ‘right’? What if, as I’m beginning to believe, it’s an integral part of our being. What if we were created with the NEED to be happy the same way we are created with the need to be loved or even to eat?

    I think every human on the planet pursues happiness whether they know it or not. I think we’re hard wired to do so. What worries me is what happens to a person who thinks they don’t deserve to be happy.  I often find individuals that for any number of reasons: guilt, genetics, upbringing or life experiences, often feel this way. I used to be one of those people.

     Speaking from experience, conversations and observation, I see that it is human nature to find things or experiences that make us feel good or happy. We eat foods that taste good to us. We wear clothes that either feel good on or make us feel like we look good. And we reject things that we find distasteful unless we believe that it is for our ultimate good even if there is something unpleasant about the experience.

   So what happens when a person thinks they don’t deserve to be happy? What happens when that negative voice inside our head starts condemning us and telling us, “Who do you think you are? What makes you worthy of that promotion? What makes you so special that that person should love you? Why do you deserve to be treated with tenderness and kindness? Why should you have that privilege? Why would that person respect you?” All those negative thoughts keep beating down our self esteem and feelings of self worth and then suddenly our hard wiring kicks in and we subconsciously start looking for something else to make us feel better, feel happy. We reach for that quart of ice cream, the pound of chocolate and the bag of chips. Or worse yet, we grab a bottle of alcohol, buy that expensive jewelry, flirt with that attractive but married co worker. Then what? We feel better for a little while but eventually the temporary high wears off and if we don’t find a way to value ourselves enough to believe we deserve to be happy we just keep looking for these lesser things in life to satisfy the unalienable NEED to be happy. I wonder if that isn’t the driving force for some who become addicted to drugs and alcohol. People just don’t want to hurt anymore but don’t feel worthy of true happiness from sources that carry greater value in their eyes so they turn to things that carry less value or merit.

    What would happen though if we recognized that being happy is as important as eating every day? What if, while we drank our morning cup of joe and ate that banana we thought about not just what we’ll wear to feel good but what we’ll do that will not only make us feel happy but that will actually build within us a greater sense of self worth? What if we understood that being UNhappy is not only bad for us but actually can lead to behavior that will hurt others and put a strain on our relationship with our family and friends? What if being happy, I mean truly being happy is an act of selflessness NOT selfishness?

    
     I wonder...

I love you

     Love. I find great displeasure in the fact that the English language only has one word to describe so many possibilities for the deep emotional connection one has to another human being. Everyone and their sister writes about it.

 I think too of the complexity of love as it relates to the way it is experienced by the two people it's attached to. For example the love felt between a parent and child compared to husband and wife is very different. In the case of parent and child the love from mother to her child is vastly greater and deeper from the love of a child to the mother, particularly when the child is an infant. However, even within a marriage love can be lopsided or it can come from an unhealthy motive causing either one or both to feel unloved and unwanted. Of course these are only two examples of love in relationships. Most relationships are unique to themselves because each individual is unique. Each one creates it's own fingerprint. But there are a few basic characteristics that allow us to identify it.

      The bible book of 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 describes what true love looks like. 1 John 4:8 tells us that it is the very essence of God. Mankind was created in God's image thus we possess the ability to love. Every human has the need to receive it.

      Adam was given a great love with Eve.I often wonder what their relationship must have been like prior to their rebellion. I imagine it must have been the kind of  love that storytellers dream of. A relationship marked by true companionship, genuine understanding, cooperation, good communication, joy, friendship and a true partnership; pure beauty the way God intended it to be. What of passion? Not to be romanticized but one might also assume that their relationship was, on some level deeply passionate as well.

     However, what made Adam sacrifice everything, including that beautiful relationship with his wife? Did his love become so distorted that he lost sight of what true love meant? Did he fear losing her love or respect if he didn't follow her in her course? What did he possibly hope to gain from leaving the protection and direction of God's loving care? What of his love for his creator? Did he stop loving Him? Did he ever love God?

     There is much that could be speculated on in relation to Adam's thoughts but that would take me off into another subject. What I am thinking of is how intense and deep love can be between a husband and wife. How amazing it can be or how that love could become distorted and ceases to be love and one behaves in a way that is indecent and unhealthy for both parties.

     I've experienced a variety of loves in all their complexity. Love between me and my mother, my father, my son, my daughter and a husband. Throughout all the many relationships, each one has been very unique. Over the years some have grown and deepened, one has suffered losses and one hangs by a thread tied to principles. However I had never experienced love the way they depict it in the typical romantic dramas like Pride and Prejudice, Romeo and Juliet or The Notebook. It never bothered me because in my entire adult life I always thought that these stories sensationalized and exaggerated romance and love. I still believe they do. In fact I read a somewhat amusing yet pretty valid article entitled: Movie romances: would they really last?, that I think confirms my beliefs.

    Then one day I met a man who made all my teenage dreams come true. It's the first time that I realized just how intense and unselfish love could be. In all my past romantic relationships there never seemed to be a deeply passionate connection either. However, I have discovered that it's possible to find a deep emotional connection that sparks intense passion.

     I admit that our love is still in it's newlywed phase as we've only been together and married for a little over two years. But we're also not spring chickens living on easy street. I turn 42 tomorrow and my husband is 45. We've both got bodies that are showing serious wear and tear! We've got 5 kids between the ages of 10 - 18. So it's not like we are living the life of many typical newlyweds, fun and fancy free. Life is really hard sometimes! There are bills yelling for payment, cars that scream for repairs, schools demanding donations and kids incessantly knocking at the bedroom door.

       Somehow, in spite of the grime of daily living I find myself absolutely positively head over heels in love. This man makes me weak in the knees when he kisses me, gives me chills down my spine when he whispers in my ears, "I love you Sunny", brings tears to my eyes when he asks if we can pray together. I am crazy in love with this man.

     I don't really know if our love is lopsided, but I know it doesn't feel that way. I don't know if I'm just being a typical ENFJ and feeling all the excitement and electricity of a healthy romantic relationship, but I do know that this is the kind of relationship I've always wished for. I don't know if he sees all the fireworks of passion that I do, but I do know he likes knowing that I see them.  I don't know if this euphoric feeling will last forever, but I do know that I will spend forever with him. I don't know if, as life gets harder and we get older this love will still burn like fire or eventually die down to a warm glow, but I do know that I will spend every day trying to keep it a blaze.
     
     I leave you here with all my fragments of thoughts. Take what interests you and formulate your own conclusions. Be inspired to create something new to you. Roll your eyes and scoff at the incredulity of my reality. Create a love you can not live without.

Love never fails

     What do you do when someone you love decides to take a road that's headed into the complete opposite direction than the one you're on? In addition to the direction you know that that road leads to nothing but pain and heartache. How do you stop them?  Do you even try? 

     20 years and a lifetime later you find that you and your loved one are standing on the same road, together once again.What happens now? Where do you start? You can't exactly pick up from where you left off. You and they are not the same person you were 20 years ago. Life has happened to you both.

 You start at the place in which you stand. You begin a new friendship on the foundation that you first built on. The foundation of love. ~ This is a snapshot story of a most  precious friendship that has endured over many years. Everyone in this story has their own perspective, their own memories and their own experiences. These are  mine.

1980 something, Phx. AZ Clowning around with my little brother.

     It was late 1970 something. I don't remember when we first met. In fact for me, Suki had always been there. She was my best friend and sometimes only friend. We were only months apart. We had much in common. Our parents were friends. I had a brother 5 years younger than I and she had a sister about the same age. We shared the same religious beliefs but never went to the same school, until 8th grade. She was beautiful, had all the latest brand clothing, smart, talented and popular.  She seemed to have it all. As much as I loved her I often found myself jealous of her. I wanted to be her, I wanted her life. What I didn't know, was that underneath all that "perfect" she, like me, battled dark things. The kind of dark things you don't share with others, not always because you're afraid to but sometimes because you can hardly understand them yourself and wouldn't know how to try to explain them to someone else much less have them understand you.

Beautiful, talented, fun-loving, smart...

   On May 28, 1987 My social status increased a notch or two (at least in my own mind) when I moved from hot as Hades, Phoenix Arizona to sunny Southern California. As much as I loved the idea of being in the cooler climate and living in a state that was "totally rad", I was terribly depressed! Here I am 15 years old at the peak of insecurity and vulnerability all controlled by raging bi-polar hormones and without a safety net! This age is seldom the ideal time for a life change. I left behind all my extended family and friends and knew no one in my new city of Spring Valley, CA. (A small suburb east of San Diego.) I missed my Suki! She would have known how to make friends and found the cool places to go and how to have a blast and do all the fun crazy things I was afraid to try. She would have made California cool! So to make the transition a little easier for me my mom suggested that we see if Suki could come out for an extended visit.

     So in the summer of  that year her parents put her on a plane and she came to stay. Life seemed bearable with her here. She'd cut  her beautiful curly locks off and shocked me with a super cool short haircut. She made everything look cool. We hung out with my cousin who came down to visit from Fresno and even got my parents to drive us 3 hours to Six Flags Magic Mountain with a couple really cute guy friends, one of which I was crushing on hard core! Rod Oberlin. ... I'm getting off track. The point is, Suki could make everything better. She made everything fun. The next couple years improved for me in California. I settled into my new life with new friends but never let go of the one friend who meant the most to me.

      Before P.C.'s and cell phones with I.M's and text messaging we were old school pen pals. Sending letters with cassette tapes of recordings of me as I carried my boom box around every place I went pretending it was Suki with me, and photos of me w/" boom box Suki". (I bet I have a cassette tape somewhere along with the photos.) She 'virtually' lived with me here in California.

1989 Seventeen and enjoying the best summer of our lives.

 Then again in the summer of '89 she came out for like a month and we had an absolute blast. We attended a beautiful outdoor wedding I was in, hung out with fun friends at the pool and beach, taking old school selfies with cameras on timers and slept on rooftops. It was a most excellent adventure. Except for that one and only fight I can remember we ever had where she called me naive and I got all offended and pouted off downstairs and slept on the living room couch like a wounded puppy. She WAS right, though. I was naive. I really didn't know a thing about the harsh realities of life or of the sadness and turmoil she fought so hard to keep buried inside.

     During the next two years, she married a local boy and I married a guy from Australia. We were the maid of honor in each others weddings and remained friends as couples. They would come to visit us and we went to visit them. Whether we were touring the San Diego zoo, sitting in the back of our red Toyota pick up drinking wine coolers and watching the city lights from the top of Squaw Peak Mountain or skiing the Rockies in Telluride Colorado we were always laughing. I remember our visit to Colorado. I was an inexperienced skier at best. I can still hear her trying to help me ski around the top edge of the mountain as we made our way to the lift that took us straight down to their apartment at the foot of the mountain. "Plow for your life Sunny! Plow for your life!" She yelled. My heart was racing and my palms sweating but I knew if I did exactly what she said I'd make it. I did.

1990 Little girls pretending to be grown up.

          

     Then one day in 1994 I got a phone call from Suki's husband that broke my heart. She'd  made a shocking and life changing decision that tore our friendship apart. The details aren't important but suffice it to say, I could hardly believe it. She wrote me a letter a few months later asking for help of sorts. I didn't know what to make of it as the information she was sharing with me was quite confusing and felt very disconnected from the reality I was aware of. I could hear her voice in the letter but not her soul.  As a naive 23 year old I called her soon to be ex-husband. His level of confusion and frustration over her behavior left me confused, discouraged and with the belief that she was simply grasping at straws and looking for justification for her actions. I did not reply to her letter. I can't say if that was the right decision or not. I do know that at the time I believed it to be the right thing to do, I can also tell you that sometimes I'd wished that I'd responded to her, to try to understand her, to help her. However, many years later I would learn that what she was going through was far beyond anything I would have known how to handle. She was on a path that I would not likely have had any influence over.

      In 1996 I was pregnant with my first child and as I sat on the living room floor packing to move, I came across a poem Suki had written me back in 1985 along with photos of us. I cried. No, I sobbed! By this time I had heard Suki had gotten remarried and had even had a little girl. I was so angry and sad that our kids were not going to grow up together. I wasn't there for her daughters birth and she wasn't going to be there for my son's birth. We couldn't share parenting stories and be aunty Suki and aunty Sunny. I missed her so much. I packed away the poem and the photos and as I wiped away the tears I thought, 'She'll be back. It's just a matter of time.'

     Over the next 14 years I would hear rumors of Suki doing both better and worse. Mostly worse. I heard of divorce, births, ill health and even homelessness. All of which left me heartbroken. Every time we took a trip to Arizona to see family or friends, I'd look out at the people driving past and wonder if I'd see her driving next to me. Would I even recognize her? What did her hair look like now? Would she recognize me? Would she want to even see me? Did she resent me for not responding to her letter?

       During that time I myself experienced a few highs and many lows. I had another child, a long separation then divorce, single motherhood, trips to the welfare office, a nervous break and multiple failed courtships.  One day to my delight I received a bitter sweet card from Suki's mother. I decided to give her a call. I learned that she and Suki's dad were raising Suki's youngest daughter. The baby was healthy and happy. Suki was still struggling to find her way and accept the help she so desperately needed. I still held on to hope.

     Then, on May 23, 2014 at 8:09 PM I got the news I'd been waiting 20 years for. Suki had returned and was looking to reconnect with healthy friendships. She was well and living in a small apartment in Mesa AZ with a good job and getting the help she needed. Two weeks later I drove out to Mesa with my parents to see her. Words fail to convey the overwhelming joy, excitement and nervousness I felt in anticipation of our reunion. My friend was back in my life and once again filled the emptiness in my heart.

     We have lots of catching up to do. Life has not always been kind and we both carry scars. We're not the same 17 year old girls that we once were, flashing the hang loose sign calling out "babe alert" as cute boys pass by. But deep down we're still the best friends that hold each others hearts safely inside the other. And one day those scars will be gone forever and we will laugh long and loud and every tear we shed will be tears of joy.  Because,' love is patient and kind... does not look for it's own interest... It does not keep account of the injury...It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love never fails...'

May 2014 Still beautiful, talented smart and friends forever. 

*On May 24th, the day after I got the news of Suki's return, I was once again packing to move and found Suki's poem that I had tucked away 20 years ago. Needless to say the tears of joy poured from my eyes as I read it...

I remember the day I met you, I never thought you'd be

The closest person to my heart for all eternity. 

We shared all of our secrets and problems great and small. 

To keep us even closer, we agreed we'd share all. 

Then your family decided to move and I only felt selfishly,

"How will I be able to get along without Sunny here with me?"

I started to hear about new friends and I figured I had lost you. 

So I came to visit and (as usual) our friendship seemed to pull through. 

But being apart out personalities had grown, so we more often disagreed. 

But in the end, I always looked back, to see you still standing by me. 

Now we're apart and I keep in touch as much as I possibly can. 

Realizing my true home is with you in the sun and sand. 

To tell you the truth I'm not quite sure what keeps our relationship alive. 

But I hope it keeps on working until the day that I have died. 

We've been best friends for almost fifteen years. 

We've shared our laughter and drowned in tears. 

Our "oneness" even though distant proves to be honest and true. 

My life is something I want you to share. I'll always be here for you.

Balancing act

little tightrope walker by Victor Joseph Gotto

Finding balance... I am forever trying to acquire that always elusive brass ring of balance. I feel like I'm trying to find that sweet spot at the center of gravity to keep myself upright. For brief moments I feel the comfort and sense of accomplishment of success. I've cared for all my responsibilities of home, family, spirituality and even made time for my own wellness and fed my creativity. But then, whoosh...
I'm right back to wobbling all over the place. Weak kneed and shaking about, everything seems to come undone a mess and incomplete. Then I dig in deep again, get up, clean up and start over, AGAIN. 

Balance seems to be a common struggle in everyone's lives. Balancing work and family. Balance in time spent in entertainment and recreation. Balance in caring for ones health. You name it it must all be balanced out. However, life and that which occurs without our control or influence still happens. It's like a harsh east wind that sometimes gusts at you unexpectedly, throwing dust in your eyes and knocking you off your game.



 Recently I've been contemplating taking on more extensive responsibilities in my bible teaching work. I've been speaking to others who are currently doing it under various circumstances to get their input on how they are able to be successful in this field. It seems to be pretty unanimous in their response. They all struggle with balance. While some have to maintain a fairly strict schedule, all of them must allow for flexibility. No one escapes the curve balls life pitches at you. From time to time they all have to make quick lunges and leaps out of the way of the speeding white bullet to avoid a gnarly black eye or knot on the noggin. Everyone says they are always vacillating back and forth from 'being on top of it' to 'feeling all out of whack'. 


I think the conclusion that I've arrived at is this: Balance is the constant but controlled swing between extremes. Life is going to push you back and forth with the unexpected, like illness, decrease or loss of income, moves, accidents and so on. The key is not getting stuck in any of the extremes for too long. When life presses you into servitude in one particular area, simply take care of it. Address it as necessary and once you have, return to the regularly scheduled program. That is what it means to be balanced. It's not a simple mathematical formula that you will be able to follow every single day of your life. 8 hours of labor, 8 hours of recreation, 8 hours of rest sure sounds great but who can realistically accomplish that on a daily basis?  I know I can't! I have 5 kids! Someone will without a doubt need something from me that will cut into either my 8 hours of recreation or more likely my 8 hours of rest.

So my goal is to stop trying to make every day a perfect proportion of all things. I must accept that each day will be different. Sometimes half the day will need to be spent caring for nothing but my creative need. Some days will be spent knee deep in laundry and groceries while others in deeply meaningful spiritual activity.

 I am beginning to realize that balance is seen through a longer lens. That it is a long term achievement not a short term accomplishment. I think if I can adjust my perspective I'll be a more content and happier person. I can tend to lose my joy and pleasure in life and relationships when I'm trying to accomplish the impossible. That is a critical error on my part and in order to preserve the most valuable things in my life it's imperative that I make some adjustments. For those of you that know me I hope you see positive results.

When I grow up.

I started writing this blog back in 2008 more as a personal online journal. I've been writing in a journal on and off since I was 13 when my aunt Penny gave me a diary for my 6th grade graduation.  I still have it (it's the one with The Cure postcard taped to it at the bottom.) as well as more than a dozen journals that followed.

 I'm not a regular journal keeper. I don't write daily, but I definitely have needed a place to put all the minutia that swims around in my head keeping me up at night. I find that this on line journal does something different than my personal journal at home. It has evolved over the years. What I'm hoping to get out of blogging is personal growth more than anything. I also want to share my life events (re-frame life events so as to better learn from them.) I write first for me and second you the reader.

If only I had more time to put fingers to keys. The things I could share. As many of my followers know, I've recently married.  May 5th will be our 2yr. anniversary. I now have 5 children. Ages range from 9 - 18. I thought as a single mother I was busy... Yeah, not nearly as busy as I am now. That's what happens when you add 4 more people to your personal space.

It's never boring, always something going on. It feels like time has suddenly picked up speed. I am finding it difficult to stop and smell the roses sometimes. Or in my case, watch the sunset. We have such beautiful winter sunsets here in Southern California. Sorry, I'm getting way off track.

You see when I started writing this post I had it titled: What I wanna be when I grow up. That was months ago. I wrote all of about two paragraphs and added the photo and now I have absolutely no idea what I was going to write about.

I'm totally making all this up as I go. "Why?" you ask. Because I made time for writing and dad gum it I'm going to write. I've got laundry in the dryer, washer and on the floor waiting for it's turn but I don't care. I got dirty dished that need cleaning, rugs that need vacuuming and dinner that needs cooking but I'm gonna let it all set for a bit because my head is in the beautiful place that I seldom get to visit. It's not making all that much sense and it's quite random and not at all interesting to you as the reader but again, I don't mind.

Sometimes in this busy life we live some of us spend an awful lot of time doing the things we 'have to' do. We don't always spend enough time doing the things that we really like to do. 

My husband sometimes says he'd give up the next 10 years of life to be in that place where you no longer have a mile long list of things to be done. Why do we wait till were in our late 50's or 60's to stop running around like crazzies doing this and doing that? Is it just because of family responsibilities, children? I'm sure that plays a part but I'd bet it's our under developed wisdom. I love how the older you get the less you worry so much about all the stuff. You start to get so tired of drama and pleasing others and living up to expectations, you just let it go and become comfortable with who, what, and where you are.

Today, just for a few minutes, I sit in my sweats and slippers and write just so that I can connect to the person I wanna be when I grow up. Content.