The Skill of Communicating

Communicate. Everyone attempts to do it.

I say attempts because sometimes we fail miserably. There is so much involved in being a successful communicator. I used to feel a silent sense of pride when I thought of my communicating skill. Thought myself rather proficient. Thought I was a good listener and could effectively share common thought. Then the other day I was having a conversation with my boss wherein I was trying to convey the thought of pride or commendation and understanding but no matter how hard I tried to express my thought he just could not seem to understand what I was saying so he repeatedly 'corrected' me and told me how to 'see' it. Now I must add that my boss is also my ex-boyfriend, so that adds an element of complexity but to me that only reinforced this new realization I had in that, communicating is somewhat individualized. What I saw was that the way I communicate with my boss/ex is and has to be very different from the way I communicate with my fellow employee/friend. It's different because they are two completely different people who process thought very differently and the dynamic of our relationship is different, so sometimes underlying motives are perceived or not, and personal emotional attachment is influential or not.

You see I think depending on how we feel about a person, what we want out of the relationship and what they want and how they feel often changes what is communicated or understood. For example, man says to woman, "You look really pretty today." Now the meaning or thought behind that statement may or may not be understood. If the woman has a crush or is in love with the man, she will likely interpret that statement to mean that he likes or loves her. But what if that man does not have the same affection for her and all he was trying to do is pay her a kind complement? Now if both parties are good friends and neither has romantic feelings for the other than likely the true meaning of the statement will be clearly understood. You see what I'm saying? It sometimes becomes necessary to know just where one is coming from in order to understand what one means, as is being honest and open with where you are coming from so as to be correctly understood. Guessing is not an option. I mean sometimes we might have to make a educated guess but far better to know without question.

Sometimes it doesn't even have to be that deep. I mean two people could have a conversation about oh I don't know... sugar. They might think they are at total odds over the subject and argue fiercely until they finally realize that they are actually in total harmony on the subject but because they were not clear on the definition of sugar (high fructose, refined or natural) they argued for no reason at all.

So the conclusion I've come to and will attempt to remember next time I'm conversing with someone is this, Do NOT jump to conclusions, assume, or guess. If I'm not sure I get the meaning, ASK for clarification, be specific with how you are understanding and make sure that what you are hearing is what they are trying to tell you. And Oh lord, avoid interpreting! That will get you in trouble EVERY time. Just because they did or said "x" doesn't not necessarily mean they think or feel "y".

Wow, just thinking about the effort required in successful communication is making me tired. Think I'll stay home alone today.