Today on my way to work I passed by an automobile accident. A sight I've seen all too often. Most times they're simple fender benders sometimes they're 4 and 5 car pile ups and the occasional spin out. 1 out of 5 times there are minor injuries but today there was a fatality. The sight of it caused an audible gasp. Sparing the details, suffice it to say the victim likely died instantly, a thought that actually brought me a measure of comfort.
The sight of that accident brought me a flood of emotions. First I felt shock, then sadness for the driver. I suddenly remembered a rather disturbing thought that passed through my mind just the day before as I got ready to take Sydney to school and then off to work, "What if today is the day I die? What do I want to be wearing when I die?" I quickly jolted my thoughts clear and wondered why that thought would have been there. Then I realized that similar thoughts have passed through my mind all my life. I remember as a little girl being afraid not to tell my mom or dad I love them before leaving in case something happened and I'd not have another opportunity to say it. I wonder who would attend my memorial. Who, outside my family would be truly sad, who would miss me months and years down the road?
I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid to. I don't want to suffer a painful death, but I know God would support and strengthen if I did. The thought that is unbearable to me is what my death would do to those who love me unconditionally, my mother, father, brother and even as I type the words a flood of tears fall from my eyes, my children.
My next thought was, "That poor driver probably didn't think today is the day I die." He or She was just probably off to work just like every other day and 'time and unforeseen occurrence' arrived. Then I thought of the family. I wondered when would they be notified, who would be the bearer of the tragic news? Then I began to feel their unspeakable pain. My stomach was sick, my muscles began to softly quiver.
Then I got angry. I was so angry at the driver of the semi-truck that obviously had to have been driving too fast on the off ramp turn. It was the only explanation for what I was seeing. Stupid driver! Stupid Stupid Stupid! Because of one persons carelessness devastation will come to many. I prayed out loud, begging that if the family did not know of the promise of a resurrection that he send someone to tell them.
Wait a minute, I've driven too fast, I've been careless from time to time when I drove. I could have been just as guilty as that truck driver!
What an overwhelming flood of emotions to deal with all before 9:00 in the morning. I forced myself to think of other things more positive, but not without noticing that my speed was well within the the legal limit posted.
I will be so glad, as will all, when our enemy Death will be done away with forever.
6 comments:
Oh my, Girlie...what a way to start a day. I am actually speechless...other than I wanted to say your thoughtful approach to life is one of the many, many reasons I love you dearly! (((((hugs)))))
A very thoughtful and thought-provoking post. Still sitting here thinking about it. I've thought that the worse thing about my death would be the pain suffered by my wife Wendy. Good motivation to drive as carefully as possible!
"I wonder who would attend my memorial" I would love to attend my own memorial, just to see who showed up! There's a letter I wrote to a friend after his memorial describing what went down as I observed it. When I see him again, if the letter survives, I'll give it to him, because I think he'll be curious, and none of his family are in the Truth. Or were, when he died.
One goal I have is to design my own memorial folder. At each memorial I am reminded of this. The idea was inspired by the very upbeat, positive, even joyful memorial folder of Bro. Ben Mason. It seemed as if he himself had a hand in making it, seeing what was ahead.
A memorial folder? Tell me more. I know Ben and Berel. Two of the most beautiful people I've worked with.
I can't help but keep thinking over and over how alike we are. I think about death constantly too. I think it was because my mom was always sick so I would consume myself with being "prepared" for when she died. I always felt like it would be any day.
Every day I make sure I close a conversation. I tell those I love that I love them... I can't get the thought out of my mind that one day it will be the last day I get that chance.
Very touching. I think about death all the time as well, but not in frightened or anxious way. When I was younger I used to worry, but now I just constantly feel like I have some crazy disease and I am going to die of cancer or something before I get to accomplish everything I want to. Not wanting to hurt my mom, and then my wife kept me alive for years.
I found Ben Mason's Memorial Folder.
Photo of folder: http://i34.tinypic.com/242ifcy.jpg
Inside the 4-page folder was a half-sheet with a Kingdom Song on it, and also a folded full sheet with an old poem.
You can see the entire folder here:
http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0ByFa_H-DLwIMMDJmMzNhZmEtOGFkNC00MTRmLThkNWMtYzk0ZGIwMGUyYjcw&hl=en
(I hope you can see it... if not I can e-mail it).
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